Are you happy?

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gemsieheart's picture
gemsieheart
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Joined: 07/12/2009 - 16:31
Posts: 186
Are you happy?

I feel guilty even thinking this as people have far worse problems, but I sometimes wonder if I'm really happy in my relationship or if I just go with the flow.  We get on 'fine' most of the time, but we don't seem to make each other laugh any more.

Our youngest is 14 now and we only seem to do things together but never just the two of us.  If she doesn't feel like going out with us, DH loses interest and decides to stay at home.  He's just happy pottering around in the garden etc - he doesn't seem to want to DO stuff with me.  And that includes in the bedroom.  It's never been the be all and end all for us.  We've never had an amazing sex life, but now it's non existent.

Should I be satisfied with this.  My man is wonderful really, he's trustworthy, faithful and kind but sometimes it doesn't feel enough.  Where's the spark??  We've been married nearly 25 years so perhaps I should accept this and just carry on... what do you think and does anyone else out there feel the same or am I just an ungrateful cow?

sparkledust's picture
sparkledust
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Joined: 29/11/2009 - 17:57
Posts: 3042

Not ungrateful no, stuck in a rut yes. Perhaps have some date nights/days where you can. Theres nothing wrong with suprising him & taking the initiative. Someone here used to call it "aftenoon delight" ....Smile I use that a lot...lol.

You can go out together without the 14yr old, they can be left for a while, if he starts to loose interest just grab him & carry on going. Its a two way thing, we all like to think that, show him the spark again, do something like you used to before you had kids, he might suprise you as well.
xx

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Miss Poppins
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Joined: 26/11/2009 - 09:21
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I swear by afternoon delight Sparkle!  

I agree, try date nights, do something a little different 

xxx

gemsieheart's picture
gemsieheart
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Joined: 07/12/2009 - 16:31
Posts: 186

but he's a workaholic and never here in the afternoon!  and also there's always someone In out house (I have two teenagers out of work atm!)

Corris's picture
Corris
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Joined: 25/07/2011 - 14:18
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I don't think you are ungrateful - I'd feel exactly the same!

Have you talked to him?  Really talked?

I think there must be so many lonely people in relationships, and it's a kind of creeping death to be so alone whilst with someone.

Tell him you miss him - arrange a trip to the Cinema, tell him you want attention - and then you can see what he does...

Hopeful
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Joined: 02/12/2009 - 19:00
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To be honest I think its worse having teens in the house than it is having lo's.  Teens notice too much.  Could you arrange a night away since you've two older teens?
I know is hard to have that conversation but its harder to live with someone when you feel so miserable.  I know Ive struggled at times when we couldnt get alone time or if the teens plunked themselves down in the middle or our so called romantic night in...

Sometimes the small things make the difference.  A hug from behind while someones doing the dishes etc.  Start small and build up, it'll be hard at first but try to remember the person you fell in love with a first.

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Christiesgal
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Joined: 29/07/2011 - 13:46
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If you say he loses interest in doing anything if DD decides she's not doing it, he may not realise that it actually bothers you.   You definitely need to talk, otherwise you'll end up resenting him and that's not fair on him, not if he doesn't actually realise that he's not investing enough time and effort for you as a couple.

25 years is a long time to be married so you've obviously both done something right over the years, you must have talked through plenty of problems, time to again.

My OH can be hard work, we do lots of stuff together but he's not a natural 'touchy feely' person out of the bedroom and I have to remind him now and then that an inpromptu kiss and cuddle in the kitchen sometimes means more to me than an hour in bed.  

Good luck with it lovey.

ursh x

gemsieheart's picture
gemsieheart
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Joined: 07/12/2009 - 16:31
Posts: 186

Thanks all!  have told him I think we need more time together - maybe I'[ll try and drag him away for a long weekend over half term - but I'm fairly sure he won't want to go unless dd comes with us - much as I love her, that's not really the idea!

Corris's picture
Corris
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Joined: 25/07/2011 - 14:18
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I just reread this and smiled.

OH and I got the house to ourselves for a rare evening the other week - we were VERY happy over breakfast, and the kids guessed what we'd done to be so cheerful;

'went to bed really early and had 10 hours sleep'

'watched the football and went to bed'

'ate Ben and Jerry's'.

I swear they think we are in our hundreds.

Mind you the truth was we'd watched an 18 film!  Because we always have younger teens in the house we never get to watch really dark thrillers which we love, so we'd watched a film (and gone to bed early Smile )

It never occurs to them we may need some 'alone' time.

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Christiesgal
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Joined: 29/07/2011 - 13:46
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ROFL at the teens guesses Corris!  Fabulous.

komodia
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Joined: 26/11/2009 - 16:10
Posts: 9411

I read this post a few days ago and have kept pondering over it.

My answer to your question is definitely - yes, I'm happy. But I'm happily single!!!

The best relationships that I see in and amongst my friends and family are those where both partners have "me" time - where they go out with friends, go to classes and so on. So that when they have "we" time they have things to talk about other than just the kids or who's doing the shopping this week.

The best part of single life has been building my friends around me - something that was seriously neglected whilst I was married. I would (on occasion!) quite like a cuddle up, or a nice dinner one to one with someone that I care about.

Maybetry to strike a balance, you time, we time (for the family) and us time (for you and your partner). With all that going on perhaps some of the feelings of dis-satisfaction may go. It's hard juggling it all and it will take effort, but it should be well worth it!