I am currently undergoing treatment for depression, had a really bad patch towards the end of August and early September where I got so incredibly angry at things that were happening/had happened.... They started to come to light a few years ago and I underwent treatment then but last year I stopped the medication and thought I was alright.
Sadly not - probably not the best idea to stop tablets as DH was having a cancerous tumour removed lol - and then other life events happened - and whilst I felt fine as the stress and pressure was on, as it lessened as he gets better, I started to fall apart - it seems I can deal with stress and thrive on it, but when it stops and I have time to breathe then I'm not so good at all.
I have up and down days, some days I feel ok other days I feel like I'm so low the med's can't possibly be working properly, I started counselling 3 weeks ago and it's so so hard to re-open that pandoras box I'd nearly stored away, I try to keep busy and not think about anything, so when I do have to in sessions it's all a bit of a carcrash afterwards mentally, - and I can't really talk to DH about it - he knows what I went through that caused the emotional upheaval in the first place, it took years to admit it to him, but having to talk about it now to sort my head out and move on - he kind of wonders what talking about it is going to do and if it's any good.
I also worry that as much as I don't want to talk about, when I do - I don't feel that I can 'let go' of it and the hurt and the anger, it feels too unfinished, and unfair and why should I only talk about it once and feel better immediately? I don't know if any of this is normal, and something that can be worked through in counselling, maybe I should raise it in my next session?? I need more than one person to listen and I want to be heard - I don't want to be a victim, or pitied but at the moment I think I like the anger too much - cos without it, what if I've forgiven the past and myself??? when it doesn't deserve forgiveness?
physically it all sits around my chest and heart in a band, which tightens when I think about stuff too much, and the tears fall too readily,
I'd like to sit in a quiet room and do nothing some days except cry and rage, and yet I have to keep going....
I'll shurrup now. thanks if you got this far in the nonsense xxx