ok then I'll start ...

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spacehopper
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Joined: 29/11/2009 - 20:56
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ok then I'll start ...

I am currently undergoing treatment for depression, had a really bad patch towards the end of August and early September where I got so incredibly angry at things that were happening/had happened.... They started to come to light a few years ago and I underwent treatment then but last year I stopped the medication and thought I was alright.

Sadly not - probably not the best idea to stop tablets as DH was having a cancerous tumour removed lol - and then other life events happened - and whilst I felt fine as the stress and pressure was on, as it lessened as he gets better, I started to fall apart - it seems I can deal with stress and thrive on it, but when it stops and I have time to breathe then I'm not so good at all.

I have up and down days, some days I feel ok other days I feel like I'm so low the med's can't possibly be working properly, I started counselling 3 weeks ago and it's so so hard to re-open that pandoras box I'd nearly stored away, I try to keep busy and not think about anything, so when I do have to in sessions it's all a bit of a carcrash afterwards mentally, - and I can't really talk to DH about it - he knows what I went through that caused the emotional upheaval in the first place, it took years to admit it to him, but having to talk about it now to sort my head out and move on - he kind of wonders what talking about it is going to do and if it's any good.

I also worry that as much as I don't want to talk about, when I do - I don't feel that I can 'let go' of it and the hurt and the anger, it feels too unfinished, and unfair and why should I only talk about it once and feel better immediately? I don't know if any of this is normal, and something that can be worked through in counselling, maybe I should raise it in my next session?? I need more than one person to listen and I want to be heard - I don't want to be a victim, or pitied but at the moment I think I like the anger too much - cos without it, what if I've forgiven the past and myself??? when it doesn't deserve forgiveness?

physically it all sits around my chest and heart in a band, which tightens when I think about stuff too much, and the tears fall too readily,

I'd like to sit in a quiet room and do nothing some days except cry and rage, and yet I have to keep going....

I'll shurrup now. thanks if you got this far in the nonsense xxx

pollylolly

It's not nonsense but it does sound as if you have taken this on so much it's a part of who you are so to 'loose' it changes you IYSWIM.

You said

what if I've forgiven the past and myself??? when it doesn't deserve forgiveness?

You don't NEED forgiveness you did nothing wrong - but you do need to make peace with this.

I would for now go with jacs way of cleansing, write it all down, rant ,swear whatever put the whole lot down in a letter to you,God anyone you want then read it and burn it. It may not do any good at all but it wont' hurt and I do know one person who was much older than you and holding on to the hurt of the past that did this (without knowing Jacs) and they really did then feel able to move forward.

I'll tell you this always love, you know where I am whenever you need an ear. You have been a good friend to me over the years we have known each other and I want to help if I can.

p xx

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Miss Poppins
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Joined: 26/11/2009 - 09:21
Posts: 10462

I know exactly how you feel SH. Talking to the councellors will help, keep at it, it really is hard and for a while you cant see a change but eventually you start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I always came out of my sessions feeling drained and would cry for hours afterwards, but its good to cry, better out than in.

I too would love to sit in a room and cry or scream, sometimes being around other people is just too much, but as you say you have to keep going.

Ive been going through this for 2 years now and still have days where i cannot stand to be around people, or leave the house. I find that if things in life are going along fine with no complications, money problems, kid problems etc, i can get through each day, but as soon as something goes wrong my head cannot cope, as whereas my OH will get upset or angry about a problem, i go totally extreme and want to leave or walk out, or when things are really bad, end things all together. I just cant handle anything other than good normality IYKWIM

I am here if you need to talk and i will try to help as best i can xxxxxxxxxx

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ElectronBlue
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Joined: 27/07/2011 - 10:11
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Depression is an asre, isn't it?

Pleh pleh pleh. :(

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mumoftwiglet
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Joined: 26/11/2009 - 13:25
Posts: 2658

Sweetheart. You know as well as I do that it is a long, bumpy road which is all too often overgrown with weeds and nasty jaggy brambles. You can batter through one patch of brambles in a wave of excitement, run off course and run headlong into another - bigger - patch. Or you can slowly, and methodically, gently hack away at them and move them neatly to the side and keep to your path.

What meds are you on, love? What dosage, and how long have you been on them? IME, you CAN build up a resistance to certain meds over time. ADs, though - frankly - bloody brilliant - aren't a 'one size fits all' solution; and it could be that you need something else now, or a higher dose. I think it's a mistake for GPs to go 'Oh, right, you had these before, have them again', I see mental health/illness as more like a cold - sometimes it's in your nose, sometimes it's in your chest. You wouldn't treat those colds the same. Depression / mental illness is the same. It presents differently, it can - or may not - be caused by hormones, it can be triggered by events, or memories, or a problem in the wiring in your brain. Or a combination of all of them; so different things are going to do the trick at different times.

Three weeks is early days for counselling yet, love. I'm a complete blabbermouth (as you know), and a very 'open' person, but it still took me a good few months before it 'clicked'. At first, I would sit with my head down and my arms folded thinking 'stop bloody asking me this shite, just fix me', and come out of sessions feeling more confused and vulnerable than when I went in. I would sit with my 'homework' (yep, opening Pandora's Box) and I would either cry my eyes out, or punch the wall. Deep down, I think I was scared to open that box. It's not bad memories or experiences for me, I admit, but it was the 'Bejeesus, what's in my head?' thing I had to get over.
Then one day, it clicked. And from then on in, I absolutely loved my sessions.

Can I ask - and please don't take this the wrong way, because it is not a fault - do you consider yourself to be a person who likes to be in control? Not of relationships, or anything, but are you more comfortable when you can plan everything to run as smoothly as possible? From what you said about coping well with stress, and preferring a stressful environment because it 'kept you busy'? Are you, do you think, one of life's 'fixers'?

Sorry love, more questions! But there is a method to my madness, if you pardon the pun.

Just remember, you're not just talking to your counsellor. You're talking to us, too. Sometimes it's far better to type than speak. And here, you are talking to people who may not have experienced everything you have been through, and are going through now, but between us, probably have more real-life experience than your counsellor.

Sending you many huggles and whatnot xxxxx

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JacquiL
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Joined: 26/11/2009 - 11:56
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I wish I'd had access to RK when my PND was at it's worst, I can't cope with counsellors, but don't mind typing out how I feel, I'd have loved to have someone like Jacs to talk too, along with everyone else

SH, take one day at a time >Big smileBig smile

pollylolly

I feel that way over parenting a child with a disability - there was nothing around at all back then.

spacehopper
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Joined: 29/11/2009 - 20:56
Posts: 1131

Hey Jacs, I'm on Citalopram 20mg - higher dose than before but still normal maintenance dose, been on them for 10 weeks, I don't want to have to go back and say I'm not sure theses are working because I don't know how I SHOULD feel on them, I just don't trust myself enough, ugh - I'm not adverse to taking them but I don't know if this is how it's meant to be when on them,

And I don't want to get wrapped up in the whole, this is me, this is how I am because of what's happened, this is why i"m angry - it's not like that at all, I'm just reacting to recent events with the ex best friend and the cancer and the in laws and yet it's all linked in to past events, we've established that much, lol I just feel such a fraud, and I want it all to go away.

As for being in control - yes I do like to be, I prefer fixing and doing instead of fixing myself, it's easier to focus on other stuff I can control and be in charge of, I didn't have time to sit and think about how I felt about the cancer I was too busy sorting out DH and the kids, and getting angry on his behalf as people dropped out of our lives, I don't like thinking about me and how I feel cos it feels fake and yet hurts physically too much to think about it. dunno if that makes sense. and yet on the other hand when I am in control, of other things - small things, like tickets or passports or journeys, I don't want that responsibility, I don't want to be in charge of things like that, which again doesn't make sense, I prefer someone else to be, but I've still got to keep checking and checking.... ugh I make no sense.

I can't do this at the moment, I'm sorry -

xx

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JacquiL
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Joined: 26/11/2009 - 11:56
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>Big smileBig smile

pollylolly

>Big smileBig smile

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mumoftwiglet
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Joined: 26/11/2009 - 13:25
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spacehopper wrote:
Hey Jacs, I'm on Citalopram 20mg - higher dose than before but still normal maintenance dose, been on them for 10 weeks, I don't want to have to go back and say I'm not sure theses are working because I don't know how I SHOULD feel on them, I just don't trust myself enough, ugh - I'm not adverse to taking them but I don't know if this is how it's meant to be when on them,

How do you feel? Is the 'difference' in feeling not the same as at previous times? I must say, the first few times I went onto Citalopram I could really feel the effects within a few weeks, and would say that, on the whole, I felt markedly better. The last time, however (that was the PND time), it seemed to work for a short time, then I just felt the same as I had done before I started, except that the panic attacks were getting better (but I might have just done that by myself, IYSWIM). They CAN give you a larger dose; but they might talk about swapping you onto a different med - they wanted me to start on Venlafaxine when the Citalopram stopped doing it's stuff; but you have to wean gradually off the Citalopram first, then be 'clean' for a few weeks (3, IIRC) before starting it. This chat co-incided with the time that my counselling really clicked with me, so I started weaning off, and then I did feel well enough to stop the Citalopram and the counselling was going so well that I felt I didn't need anything else (but kept my mind open to it, just in case).
You CAN build up a 'tolerance' to SSRIs, or it could be that what your brain is doing now is different to what was happening before, so the Citalopram might not be doing it's job. It's definitely worth going back and telling the GP that it isn't working - they would prefer to know than to carry on with it at that dose if it's not helping. However you feel, however much you trust yourself, I think you can trust your instincts on this one. If you don't think they are working, they aren't working.

And I don't want to get wrapped up in the whole, this is me, this is how I am because of what's happened, this is why i"m angry - it's not like that at all, I'm just reacting to recent events with the ex best friend and the cancer and the in laws and yet it's all linked in to past events, we've established that much, lol I just feel such a fraud, and I want it all to go away.

Why do you feel like a fraud, love? I don't get that bit at all. You've had a REALLY tough time of it recently. Everything we feel now, and do now, is based on past events; past experiences that have tempered our natures and made us who we are. That's completely normal, everything is about cause and effect.
I'm not sure what you are saying here. Are you saying that your reactions to recent events are caused because of things that have happened in the past? That's fine - that's normal. And that's where the counselling WILL come in invaluable. Even if you don't talk much, or seem to get much from it, it will give you something to think about afterwards. It will help you unlock that box, and get that great big knot of dirty old wool, and do one of two things:
a) Unravel all the wool, clean it, reassess it, roll it into a nice, useful ball of wool for use another time, or
b) Set fire to the wool so it is gone forever. It was important at the time, it's not important now, you'll never use it, so you burn it.

There's no right or wrong answer. But no tablets are going to erase that box of wool. Only you can do that. And only you know the right time, and the right path. But, until you DO decide whether to unravel it and keep it, or burn it forever; it is still going to impact on you. You must remember that, it does, essentially, need to be sorted out.

As for being in control - yes I do like to be, I prefer fixing and doing instead of fixing myself, it's easier to focus on other stuff I can control and be in charge of, I didn't have time to sit and think about how I felt about the cancer I was too busy sorting out DH and the kids, and getting angry on his behalf as people dropped out of our lives, I don't like thinking about me and how I feel cos it feels fake and yet hurts physically too much to think about it. dunno if that makes sense. and yet on the other hand when I am in control, of other things - small things, like tickets or passports or journeys, I don't want that responsibility, I don't want to be in charge of things like that, which again doesn't make sense, I prefer someone else to be, but I've still got to keep checking and checking.... ugh I make no sense.

It feels fake because you're not used to thinking about yourself. When you do, it hits you like a tidalwave. That's why it hurts. You are an amazing woman - you've been so much, yet you've always seemed to 'control' the persona you have on here, for example. Nobody would ever think you'd been through what you have just by reading your general posts on here.
Yes, DH, the children, your family - they are important, of course they are. But you are an integral part of that family unit too. You owe it yourself, and to them, to start to love yourself as much as they love you. Denying yourself any sense of self is a hugely self-destructive trait - it is NOT selfish to think of yourself, to do things by - and for - yourself. Wearing yourself out by NOT thinking of your own sense of self because you busy yourself too much with everything, and everyone else, is hugely damaging. You must NOT feel like a fake, or feel guilty of spending time FOR you and your wellbeing.
As they say, my love, 'Healer, heal thyself'.

I can't do this at the moment, I'm sorry -

xx

Sweetheart, I hope you can read my replies OK. You break off when you want to, don't worry about that. Come back when you're ready. Nobody can walk your journey, and nobody is firing a starting pistol and timing your stages. You go at your own pace. In fact, you are so maddeningly selfless that I am very, very, pleased indeed that you decided to stop typing there. It means you are tapping into yourself, and thinking about YOU. You are feeling emotions that are about you, not about someone else.

Every single word you type about yourself and your feelings is a really, really, good and positive step and I am bursting with admiration of you. Come back when you're up to it; and in the meantime I will be sending you big huggy vibes. You can do this, you know you can. You've just forgotten how to love yourself. And if you could love yourself a FRACTION of the amount that we love you, you'd be on a winner.

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