Whose Responsibility is Your Child's Education?

320 posts / 0
Last post
JacquiL's picture
JacquiL
Offline
Joined: 26/11/2009
Posts: 25500

There is a huge difference in making a judgement and being judgemental
I make a judgement about the school my children attend, the way I bring them up, but I don't judge others
As I've said before we are each and everyone unique, embrace our differences, don't be judgemental about them

OliversArmy's picture
OliversArmy
Offline
Joined: 26/11/2009
Posts: 12101

Tekkani wrote:

If my daughter runs a race and comes last, despite running as fast as she could, I'll say 'Well done on trying as hard as you can, but if you want to win a race, you need to practice and get faster'. I'm not about to say to her 'You did brilliantly' without context because that's just a lie. If she says 'I don't want to practice and get faster because I hate running' then I'll accept that she hates running, but I don't think 'I want to be better at running but I can't achieve more' is an acceptable response. Almost everyone in the world can be fitter than they are (and yes, this analogy works for academic subjects too).

In my opinion praise like that isn't worth giving. Saying "well done, but" negates the positive and focuses solely on what they didn't do. It's akin to saying "I love you, but". It's simply not how I choose to parent. I celebrate my sons achievements, because they are proof that he's learning, trying, growing. I won't ever berate him for not achieving more at his gymnastics class, for example, because he's not there to please me. I genuinely think praise should be nothing but positive.

JacquiL's picture
JacquiL
Offline
Joined: 26/11/2009
Posts: 25500

Right I'm off to collect one child from nursery and drop off clothing etc for another to go into respite (boy do I need the break from C)

OliversArmy's picture
OliversArmy
Offline
Joined: 26/11/2009
Posts: 12101

Sorry my quote boxes went mad. Enjoy the respite Jacs.

Tekkani

You are confused about my line 'allow to be average' which I kind of understand as I probably didn't phrase it very well. I mean by it that I won't do nothing and allow opportunity to slip her by. As I said in point 3, I would be happy for her to end up in an average profession, but ONLY if every opportunity has been fairly presented to her on the way to that profession. I, as her parent, would be remiss if I do not do my utmost to ensure she doesn't end up as a binlady by providing her with a good education, but if despite that education she wanted to be a binlady, then I'd happily accept that. Does that make more sense? I hope so because I'm running out of ways to make it clear, lol!

If you don't judge, then how do you determine what is good or bad for you, your family etc.? Do you not judge on whether it is sensible to go out with coats in the rain or not? Do you not judge whether or not the school you send your child to is good or not? Do you not judge whether or not you are feeding him good food? Do you not judge ALL THE TIME?! Everyone judges. Here, let me help with a little condescending cut-and-paste from a dictionary site:
--
judge
v. judged, judg·ing, judg·es
v.tr.
1. To form an opinion or estimation of after careful consideration.
--
You do that. Don't pretend you don't!

(My apology for being condescending, but really, to say you don't judge...!)

ElectronBlue's picture
ElectronBlue
Offline
Joined: 27/07/2011
Posts: 13462

I think as parents our attitudes change as our children get older, I know mine did.

I was very proud of my mathematically very bright two year old and expected great things... I still am of my twelve year old, but my expectations have changed with growth (his and mine) and circumstance, his diagnosis of autism being a big factor. Specifically, I will be happy now if Alex develops a degree of independence, and, frankly, sod the academics... and the best thing I can teach him now and the best lesson he can learn from me is how to live with a disability and manage it whilst still being happy and productive.

We all want our children to be the best they can be, but to accept that best will probably be average isn't giving up or not being a good parent, it's simply being pragmatic- as most people are pretty average when it comes down to it. I suspect you are fairly average yourself, Tekkani!

ElectronBlue's picture
ElectronBlue
Offline
Joined: 27/07/2011
Posts: 13462

And that is not to say you only have a three year old, so what would you know, just that your viewpoint may well be very different when she's 12 .

I expect my attitude will be different when Alex is 20.

Tekkani

OA. I didn't say my comments re: the race, were 'praise'. I said they were honest. Praise is something you get for achieving something (which, as I said before, can include 'putting in lots of effort' which IS an achievement). It is NOT something you should get for doing what is normal. Participating in a race is normal, coming first is the achievement.

If you praise someone for doing something totally normal, they will come to think that they are good at stuff (because they are praised for it) when they are not (because they had a normal result). This leads to people thinking (using my other example) that they can make websites because they have a smattering of understanding about dreamweaver. Not the case.

Of course praise your child. Praise them every day, for every achievement, but put it in context and praise them for what they have done (running as hard as they can) not imply something they didn't do (win the race).

And, for the record, running as hard as you can AND winning the race is better than running as hard as you can and NOT winning the race.

Tekkani

ElectronBlue wrote:
We all want our children to be the best they can be, but to accept that best will probably be average isn't giving up or not being a good parent, it's simply being pragmatic- as most people are pretty average when it comes down to it. I suspect you are fairly average yourself, Tekkani!

Well, of course most people are average; it's kind of assumed from the title! Smile

As for my own averageness, well most definitely in certain aspects, and most definitely not in others. It all depends on what you are measuring and how. If we're going back to education, then yup, I'd say my education is average.

As for your son and the anecdote within, I agree. Perspective should (and must) change as the child develops, but I'll never sit back and say 'go on, be average' to her when there's an opportunity not to be.

OliversArmy's picture
OliversArmy
Offline
Joined: 26/11/2009
Posts: 12101

Tekkani wrote:
If you don't judge, then how do you determine what is good or bad for you, your family etc.? Do you not judge on whether it is sensible to go out with coats in the rain or not? Do you not judge whether or not the school you send your child to is good or not? Do you not judge whether or not you are feeding him good food? Do you not judge ALL THE TIME?! Everyone judges. Here, let me help with a little condescending cut-and-paste from a dictionary site:
--
judge
v. judged, judg·ing, judg·es
v.tr.
1. To form an opinion or estimation of after careful consideration.
--
You do that. Don't pretend you don't!

(My apology for being condescending, but really, to say you don't judge...!)

What I very clearly meant is that I don't judge how YOU parent. I don't care how you parent, therefore judging it isn't in my interests. You choose to go 'ooh how dare you say you don't judge' tee hee, you're very clever. But it's quite dull hearing someone announce they won't do this that or the other based on what, exactly? Your scathing judgement of family members and your three year old? You're quite obviously here to behave like a child. That's fine, entirely your perogative, however there are parents on this site with years more knowledge, experience and many more valuable insights than you. I choose to take advice from people who've been there and done it, rather than those who say "when my daughter is ten I shall do this". You know what they say about best laid plans after all.

Pages