Year 5 proofreading: formal and informal language

Year 5 proofreading: formal and informal language
Billy has written a letter to try to persuade his local council that a new park is needed in the area. The language is very informal. Do you think his letter will be taken seriously? Your task is to keep the ideas in the letter the same but rewrite it using the more appropriate formal language that is needed when writing a persuasive letter to someone you don’t know.
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Key stage: Year 5, KS2